Crazy emotions

Think of the one song that you listen to and it just makes you all teary or emotional or mad- this is how I feel right now.
Overwhelmed.
I guess that is a little bit of an understatement.
Life is just this giant thing and you think you have it all figured out, you think you have a plan, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
But you don't. You just don't. Because your life isn't at all in your hands. Certain things yes- Decisions you make, the person you choose to be. But the plan? Not a chance. That's God's deal.
So for now, with as hard as it is to just trust that, I will take a deep breath and trust God on this one. I have never been in such bad shape that I wasn't able to get up and brush it off.
Now is no exception.

Fall Days and good feelings

Lattes, jackets, clean air.
I wonder what it is about fall time that makes things feel so sentimental? People make time to spend with their families. Children hop along the streets holding onto their parent's hand with little red cheeks going for a test drive in their new fall attire. Business men and women appear to be a little less grumpy. People seem to smile more; and offer more too. I've noticed this a lot lately.
This morning on my regular morning stop at Starbucks a gentleman held the door open for me. I told him thank you. He told me it was his pleasure. I love starting my day this way.
I don't know what it is about fall. Maybe it's quite literally a breath of fresh air. The season offers you an opportunity to stop. Stop to take a deep breath. Stop to relax a little. Stop to slow down. Stop to take a moment to inhale all the vibrant fragrances that fall has to offer. Turkeys, coffees, gingerbread.
Maybe fall reminds people of being a child? Maybe it brings back memories of days of old with mom and pop and kitchens and presents and joy.
Whatever it may be, I most certainly am enjoying it.

Oh man.

The changes keep on coming. Some good, some not. Ben's been doing well. We're going to regular therapy so we don't lose each other and so that he can get things under control. He went to church with me on Sunday. And then Wednesday he got a call from a gentleman he met nearly a year ago asking him to interview for a job. We met this guy a the dog track of all places! lol But he and Ben hit it off really well and at that time the guy asked Ben for his resume. Ben doesn't want to stay in the Navy. He just has lost his passion. He's miserable there. So take it for what it is, but this interview made Ben feel like a million bucks. And that's really important to him. He was so proud of himself. So we'll see where that goes.
Yesterday was a rough day though. It was Dane's last day of his current daycare. He's been there since he was 8 months old. I had a little party for his little friends and we gave his teachers gifts. I was tearing up as we left though. He doesn't understand that he'll be changing schools. I've tried to explain to him but I don't think he grasps it. This morning he stayed home with Ben because he's got to get his 2 year shots. Poor guy. Anyway as I walked out the door he said, "No, mommy. Shoes on. I go to school!" And he cried and cried. It broke my heart.
And then on a final note- my Grandpa passed away yesterday. God he was hurting so bad. The cancer just hit him like a ton of bricks. The last time I saw him he was still running and working so hard. And then this. My Dad and sister Jessica went to see him last week when they got the news this would be his last week. They said it was pretty bad. My Dad who hasn't spoken with his Dad in so many long years went to say his goodbyes. It was a beautiful goodbye actually. The kind that a man who doesn't show emotion is okay with. My Dad and Grandpa talked very small talk and when my Dad complimented my Grandpa on his new house. My Grandpa said,
" Well a friends son helped me. He was real big and strong. I couldn't do it on my own."
And the last thing my Dad said to his Dad- was,
"Well Dad. That's how I remember you. Big and strong."
And then he squeezed his shoulder and that was it.
My Grandpa died November 1st- but not in the way the Dr's expected. Since he was a runner, he had a very strong heart. It was pounding so hard in these last weeks and all the Dr's thought he would most certainly die of a heart attack. But yesterday Grandpa asked my Grandma to put on some old 50's music- probably the music that made him happiest, reminded him of being young. And he fell asleep. And he never woke up.

Hard choices

Without going into details let me just say that some huge life changing decisions are being held right before me right now. In my soul- I feel broken. I literally feel like I have lost a piece of me by losing a piece of my husband. I almost feel like there is not enough of my heart left to be broken. So my entire body aches and longs for a man who used to be. He is not so far away that I can't see him. He's just more of a person whose holding on by a few strands and is deciding to let go. I know he knows it's wrong. I know it hurts him to let go, but he doesn't know how to hold back on. He is so lost. And I am devestated at what is happening to him. To see him hurt; to see him cry and binge is just too much. This morning I thought I might leave. And by tonight, God somehow intervened. I am forcing myself to feel peace- or to at least imagine it. Because I know I deserve that. I deserve to feel happy. I shouldn't feel guilty for things I have not done. And I am giving this one last shot. My heart- the actual organ in my body is hurting me tonight because I know this is it. One final attempt and then I will have no other choice but to call it quits. I pray with my whole heart that you fix my husband. He is begging to be fixed but is way too caught up in an addiction. Please Lord. WE need your help on this one because we can't go on like this anymore. I need to see the light shine in his eyes again- he's trapped in the body of an alcoholic.

I'm going to Miami

(Pretend Will Smith is singing about bilingual Miami right here.) :)

I am so excited. I am so excited to meet the ladies I have never met and see the ones I haven't seen in a while. This trip is going to be so fun!! And it is long overdue.
My mom is coming in town as well as my step sister Angela and I am so stoked to see them. I wish they could stay longer- but they're only coming in town to watch Dane for us. So tonight will be fun to have drinks with some of the ladies in my family! And then tomorrow am- watchout Southwest airlines- because a little momma with a pair of buttless chaps is coming your way!!!!!!!
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

It was so fun ladies. Thank you so much for such a beautiful and incredibly entertaining time!

What's your "No matter what" ?

For instance, say to yourself, "No matter what, if she (she can be a he or whoever you choose) reaches out, I'm going to respond with gratitude instead of complaints."

It could be anything. Just something that you use in a situation where you usually react in a negative way. You just set a no matter what in place and then you choose to react differently because it's a rule.

Easy enough right?

I think that's a great thought. I totally need "no matter whats."

What's yours?

My eyes hurt.

They hurt from my cryfest yesterday. For goodness sakes, all the posts I've written so far have all been pretty much about shitty situations. (They'll get better. I promise.)
I guess the reason for that is because it is so much easier for me type it- so much easier to get it out on paper than it is to say it out loud. And I think it would be a pretty good assumption to say that is why I have so much anxiety. I hold too much shit inside. I think about things 400 times before I say them and then usually I come to the conclusion that it's better fo rme not to say anything at all so all those thoughts just kind of stay inside.
So last night, Ben and I got into yet another fight. Like I told the girls on the board, both Ben and I are not in good places right now. He's gone through an entire slew of medicines to try to get him out of his slumps. He gets in these God awful moods where he is just so hard to deal with. He gets like a pissy little girl. And then I get irritated, well, because lately I've just been getting irritated a lot. And so the two of us are butting heads.
So yesterday I am waiting at the therapists office for him to show up. Nada. He calls 2 minutes before the appointment and said he had to stay late at work. So I just went by myself. It was the greatest appointment. Fred (the therapist) made me feel like a million bucks. We talked all about Ben's childhood and mine. We really dug down deep to a lot of unresolved issues. And he taught me some new ways to approach Ben about certain things. So I was really excited. Ben picked up Dane from school and called me and said he was going to go over to Josh (his best friend)'s house. That was completely cool with me. I told him about the appointment and how excited I was about it. He agreed to start going on his own so he and Fred could talk better. So he gets home at 5:30 or so and throws it on me that he has invited Josh and Jenn (Josh's wife who happens to be a friend of mine) to have their daughters 2 year old party at our house in a couple of weeks. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH!????
What!? Back that train up buddy. He said there would be 45 people or so there and I was livid. This is the kind of thing you consult your wife about first!!! His argument- he likes to entertain. My argument. Those are 45 guests at our house that I have to worry about accomodating- that I have to clean up after. No fucking way. I don't care if they're our friends or not. This is the kind of thing that makes me crazy. Ben just can not see how that would cause extra anxiety in my life and didn't even care or think to ask me first. I was so upset and of course it started another fight. And Dane is sitting there whining because he obviously can feel the tension. Ben said I am not the same person he married. Uh huh. So then everything once again becomes my fault. He proceeds to tell me the reason Dane has been whining so much lately is because of me. Because of the tension I cause. And at that moment, Ben succeeded in making me feel completely worthless. So I got in my car and I drove to the hospital which is about 3 blocks from our house. I was hysterically crying when I got there. I don't know why I went really. I needed someone to console me before I absolutely freaked out. Or I needed some better pills then the ones I had. I don't know. They saw me very quickly and the staff were like little angels. The nurses and Dr. were all so nice. Basically they did what I wanted. They consoled me and assured me everything would be okay. And they told me to up the dose of the pills I'm taking now. While I was there, Ben called me about 10 times. I told him where I was but told him I didn't want to talk. So he called my sister and had her call me. Which was nice, but I hate to worry her. I think she understood what was going on bc she didn't sound upset when I was on the phone with her.
Anyway, I went home. And when I got there, Ben listened to me. I hate that it takes such a disastrous freak out to get him to listen. I do. I know in his heart he means well. I also know that he's a man and the nature of men. Not excuses, but it's something. Once I broke it down to him, he really did listen. And he made me feel so much better. I told him that I just need some coddling right now. And that yes, maybe I am a different person than I was when we were married- but only because I'm going through a little bit of a difficult time right now. I told him in order for me to get better, he's got to get better at taking some of my stress off of me. So today is a new day. My eyes are sore from yesterday, but it's still a new day. And like Bob Marley says, "Everything's gonna be alright."

My favorite lessons

A few things to ponder; taken from "The 5 people you meet in Heaven"
Lesson one:
"Fairness does not govern life or death. If it did, no good person would ever die young. Look at the mourners at a funeral. Some will not even know the deceased, yet they go. Why? Did you ever wonder? Why people gather when others die? Why they feel they should? It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in that small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed. You say you should have died instead of me. But during my time on earth, people died instead of me too. It happens everyday. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole. It is why we are drawn to babies... and funerals."

Lesson two:
"Sacrifice. Sacrifice is part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father. A man goes to war... "
A random thought from the book- Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers.

Lesson three:
"Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.

Lesson four: (In regards to losing a loved one)
"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn't."

Lesson five:
Sometimes you just have to accept that you are SUPPOSED to be at the place you are in your life.

Not quite squishy.

You know, I think it's really important to be honest with yourself. And it makes me sad because sometimes I'm not. Like on the outside I am just a big goof. And I love that. But I also have this insane amount of anxiety and worry and it just consumes a lot of that goofball inside of me.
I'm not quite sute how it happened. It is by no means who I am. Just a part of who I am. And I really try to push it aside like it's just something like a bad hair cut that I will eventually grow out of. And then it will go away. But if I'm being honest with myself, those bits of anxiety really are becoming more and more of my life. And I'm really uncomfortable with it. It's hard to tell why it's happened. Really, my life before was a mess. Now, I am so put together. Or wait, let me take a step back here. My LIFE is so put together. But the anxiety. Damn. Anxiety truly has been paying a toll in my life recently. I think it's probably time that I fess up to it a little more. Because maybe then, some of the negative things in my life might dissapear. Certainly when you change things, good things are bound to happen, right? It's nothing I don't already know.
I've also realized that I pretty much just suck at apologizing. Ben and I got into it today. I'm not going to lie- I still think I'm right and he's wrong. But he pointed out that I never say sorry. So I think it's time to reevaluate some things. The way I act towards him is NOT the way I act to other people. I think he's the one person who I have felt comfortable enough with to be downright honest and sometimes harsh with. It's not fair, not an excuse. I have been very blunt with him recently. Maybe for the mere fact that I have never truly gotten over how he hurt me in the past, but regardless, I love him. He is my world. A big "fuck you" really doesn't fit in that puzzle. I think he sees that shitty part of me too often- you know? The part that I hate about me. The part that isn't ladylike enough, the part that points out the negativity in so many things, the part that chooses not to laugh at something he says simply because I just don't want to put forth the effort.
But I know I'm a good person. Maybe I've just remembered the old person for so long that I haven't taken the time to realize that the person who is living in me now, is the person who isn't quite as good as I have imagined. I do know that my heart is the same. Intentions are the same. But maybe I've become a bit hardened on the outside. Possibly built up barriers to protect from hurt. I don't know- something. I think it's time to make the effort to make the beauty on the inside shine from the outside too. Do unto others, blase, blase, that whole thing- well as much as that saying really doesn't hold some major precidence in my life, it still holds true. I don't want to be hurt. And even if I am hurt, does it give me the right to let the yuck in me become the person that I am? No. No, it doesn't at all. Pride. Fucking pride. What a waste, you know? I'm throwing that shit in the garbage can. I don't like what it's done to me. Barriers or not, I've got to let it go. Okay, now if I can just get these words to come out of my mouth.

Pondering

Sometimes I think I just want to be figured out. Point blank. Figured out. Walk into the psych office and say, "Doc, what's my diagnosis?"
I'd like to know what it is that makes me second guess myself. I'd like to know what it is that causes me to get in those awfully lonely slumps I often find myself in. I'm curious to find out how it is that I lack such a tremendous amount of self control.
And then on another note, I don't. So I just pretend for one second that some Dr. does in fact give me some sort of blah blah psychie nonsense. And then I am just another "one of those."
And maybe that scares me. Because I have never considered myself to just be another face in the crowd. Never really even considered myself to be like someone else. I've always given myself more credit- believed that in some way, my life was destined to be great; believed that at some point in life I will stand out and make the world a better place because of some triumphant feat that I somehow accomplish.
And this is where I think the second guessing part comes into play. With as much as I tend to curse the trials in my life, I think those are the things that are going to change the world; crazy as it may sound. And maybe that's why I shouldn't be figured out. It's why God lets me go through my struggles. I think he knows those are what keep me going. He knows I will not allow myself to grovel. He knows I am bound and determined to do something with them. Bound to use them like the Pilgrams used the land. Make something of my life through my struggles.
And so when things get bad, I just remember that. But I still think that if it weren't for this whole life changing vision I have, I still would like to be figured out...