My eyes hurt.

They hurt from my cryfest yesterday. For goodness sakes, all the posts I've written so far have all been pretty much about shitty situations. (They'll get better. I promise.)
I guess the reason for that is because it is so much easier for me type it- so much easier to get it out on paper than it is to say it out loud. And I think it would be a pretty good assumption to say that is why I have so much anxiety. I hold too much shit inside. I think about things 400 times before I say them and then usually I come to the conclusion that it's better fo rme not to say anything at all so all those thoughts just kind of stay inside.
So last night, Ben and I got into yet another fight. Like I told the girls on the board, both Ben and I are not in good places right now. He's gone through an entire slew of medicines to try to get him out of his slumps. He gets in these God awful moods where he is just so hard to deal with. He gets like a pissy little girl. And then I get irritated, well, because lately I've just been getting irritated a lot. And so the two of us are butting heads.
So yesterday I am waiting at the therapists office for him to show up. Nada. He calls 2 minutes before the appointment and said he had to stay late at work. So I just went by myself. It was the greatest appointment. Fred (the therapist) made me feel like a million bucks. We talked all about Ben's childhood and mine. We really dug down deep to a lot of unresolved issues. And he taught me some new ways to approach Ben about certain things. So I was really excited. Ben picked up Dane from school and called me and said he was going to go over to Josh (his best friend)'s house. That was completely cool with me. I told him about the appointment and how excited I was about it. He agreed to start going on his own so he and Fred could talk better. So he gets home at 5:30 or so and throws it on me that he has invited Josh and Jenn (Josh's wife who happens to be a friend of mine) to have their daughters 2 year old party at our house in a couple of weeks. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHH!????
What!? Back that train up buddy. He said there would be 45 people or so there and I was livid. This is the kind of thing you consult your wife about first!!! His argument- he likes to entertain. My argument. Those are 45 guests at our house that I have to worry about accomodating- that I have to clean up after. No fucking way. I don't care if they're our friends or not. This is the kind of thing that makes me crazy. Ben just can not see how that would cause extra anxiety in my life and didn't even care or think to ask me first. I was so upset and of course it started another fight. And Dane is sitting there whining because he obviously can feel the tension. Ben said I am not the same person he married. Uh huh. So then everything once again becomes my fault. He proceeds to tell me the reason Dane has been whining so much lately is because of me. Because of the tension I cause. And at that moment, Ben succeeded in making me feel completely worthless. So I got in my car and I drove to the hospital which is about 3 blocks from our house. I was hysterically crying when I got there. I don't know why I went really. I needed someone to console me before I absolutely freaked out. Or I needed some better pills then the ones I had. I don't know. They saw me very quickly and the staff were like little angels. The nurses and Dr. were all so nice. Basically they did what I wanted. They consoled me and assured me everything would be okay. And they told me to up the dose of the pills I'm taking now. While I was there, Ben called me about 10 times. I told him where I was but told him I didn't want to talk. So he called my sister and had her call me. Which was nice, but I hate to worry her. I think she understood what was going on bc she didn't sound upset when I was on the phone with her.
Anyway, I went home. And when I got there, Ben listened to me. I hate that it takes such a disastrous freak out to get him to listen. I do. I know in his heart he means well. I also know that he's a man and the nature of men. Not excuses, but it's something. Once I broke it down to him, he really did listen. And he made me feel so much better. I told him that I just need some coddling right now. And that yes, maybe I am a different person than I was when we were married- but only because I'm going through a little bit of a difficult time right now. I told him in order for me to get better, he's got to get better at taking some of my stress off of me. So today is a new day. My eyes are sore from yesterday, but it's still a new day. And like Bob Marley says, "Everything's gonna be alright."