Pondering

Sometimes I think I just want to be figured out. Point blank. Figured out. Walk into the psych office and say, "Doc, what's my diagnosis?"
I'd like to know what it is that makes me second guess myself. I'd like to know what it is that causes me to get in those awfully lonely slumps I often find myself in. I'm curious to find out how it is that I lack such a tremendous amount of self control.
And then on another note, I don't. So I just pretend for one second that some Dr. does in fact give me some sort of blah blah psychie nonsense. And then I am just another "one of those."
And maybe that scares me. Because I have never considered myself to just be another face in the crowd. Never really even considered myself to be like someone else. I've always given myself more credit- believed that in some way, my life was destined to be great; believed that at some point in life I will stand out and make the world a better place because of some triumphant feat that I somehow accomplish.
And this is where I think the second guessing part comes into play. With as much as I tend to curse the trials in my life, I think those are the things that are going to change the world; crazy as it may sound. And maybe that's why I shouldn't be figured out. It's why God lets me go through my struggles. I think he knows those are what keep me going. He knows I will not allow myself to grovel. He knows I am bound and determined to do something with them. Bound to use them like the Pilgrams used the land. Make something of my life through my struggles.
And so when things get bad, I just remember that. But I still think that if it weren't for this whole life changing vision I have, I still would like to be figured out...