Not quite squishy.

You know, I think it's really important to be honest with yourself. And it makes me sad because sometimes I'm not. Like on the outside I am just a big goof. And I love that. But I also have this insane amount of anxiety and worry and it just consumes a lot of that goofball inside of me.
I'm not quite sute how it happened. It is by no means who I am. Just a part of who I am. And I really try to push it aside like it's just something like a bad hair cut that I will eventually grow out of. And then it will go away. But if I'm being honest with myself, those bits of anxiety really are becoming more and more of my life. And I'm really uncomfortable with it. It's hard to tell why it's happened. Really, my life before was a mess. Now, I am so put together. Or wait, let me take a step back here. My LIFE is so put together. But the anxiety. Damn. Anxiety truly has been paying a toll in my life recently. I think it's probably time that I fess up to it a little more. Because maybe then, some of the negative things in my life might dissapear. Certainly when you change things, good things are bound to happen, right? It's nothing I don't already know.
I've also realized that I pretty much just suck at apologizing. Ben and I got into it today. I'm not going to lie- I still think I'm right and he's wrong. But he pointed out that I never say sorry. So I think it's time to reevaluate some things. The way I act towards him is NOT the way I act to other people. I think he's the one person who I have felt comfortable enough with to be downright honest and sometimes harsh with. It's not fair, not an excuse. I have been very blunt with him recently. Maybe for the mere fact that I have never truly gotten over how he hurt me in the past, but regardless, I love him. He is my world. A big "fuck you" really doesn't fit in that puzzle. I think he sees that shitty part of me too often- you know? The part that I hate about me. The part that isn't ladylike enough, the part that points out the negativity in so many things, the part that chooses not to laugh at something he says simply because I just don't want to put forth the effort.
But I know I'm a good person. Maybe I've just remembered the old person for so long that I haven't taken the time to realize that the person who is living in me now, is the person who isn't quite as good as I have imagined. I do know that my heart is the same. Intentions are the same. But maybe I've become a bit hardened on the outside. Possibly built up barriers to protect from hurt. I don't know- something. I think it's time to make the effort to make the beauty on the inside shine from the outside too. Do unto others, blase, blase, that whole thing- well as much as that saying really doesn't hold some major precidence in my life, it still holds true. I don't want to be hurt. And even if I am hurt, does it give me the right to let the yuck in me become the person that I am? No. No, it doesn't at all. Pride. Fucking pride. What a waste, you know? I'm throwing that shit in the garbage can. I don't like what it's done to me. Barriers or not, I've got to let it go. Okay, now if I can just get these words to come out of my mouth.