I needed you

I had that desire. That immense desire to sail through the rough tides of the ocean and continue to carry on. Carry on with this burden of love.
I was scared to show you who I really was. A fragile being. A strong and independent woman. And in that camoflauge, I forgot who I was. Who I am.
I dreamed of you last night. You were so beautiful and I was not. I jumped out of a window. Turned out it was only ten feet in the air. And I turned around, relieved, with only a minor aching in my feet. And I asked you, "Do you feel like we can go on?" You stared blankly at me and I turned and walked the other way.
I don't know for sure what it is that I want. Something more than the lies we live, for sure. I want to be loved, this I know. I want to be appreciated, respected. I thought I wanted to grow old with you. And I stopped for a moment today and looked into your beautiful green eyes and wondered if you felt the same. And in the place of the pumping blood of excitement that once resided inside of me was an emptiness, filled with much doubt.
This can't fail. There is too much invested. Too much I still want to say to you, but fear you don't want to hear.
It's a lonesome time. I am thankful for this outlet.

Jen told me to make him open the box. Maybe he'll read this instead

If I waited all this time to have a share then explore my piece and bite.
It's like having a grenade strapped to my stomach with our names on it.
I only thought of you and I, of ashes and us alone
On a sacred beach with only flashes of our last moan.
I am full of love, and of anger and intelligence and respect.
But I find myself in the daytime wondering where you're kept.
Skies do not open for my batting lashes or lips of ruby.
They open for my wrath and tears and for my sacred scurry.
Tell me I do not have to preach to you or make you listen!
Scream to me that I may not have another bed to christen!
My guidance is right through teh solemn angel's eyes
but you have no grace with that frown, you give me sour times.
I have lied for us, I have lied for me. I lie to me until it suits.
You want to dance, I can feel it in my grey scaled boots.
Please stay in life and feel the warmth of the earth.
Please stay in the light of love that I give, not in your hearse.
I can make you whole. I can make you sound.
I want to make you feel casually rebound.
I can't move without you. I can't feel what happy is.
I have no sound reason why but I know it isn't this.

Thank you God

Really. I am so grateful. I know that things sometimes feel like I can't get through them, but there is ALWAYS something or someone who ends up picking me up off of my knees and helps me to remember that I am here on Earth for a purpose.
I am going to do my best to try and remember that.
I am thankful for what I have, although at times it seems sparse. But all in all, I have a very rewarding life. I have a lot to offer and I pray that I never lose sight of that.

Put on a happy face

<----- This is what my family should be... except it's only what we look like on the outside.

I love my family. I have tried so hard to make it work. I've stood by Ben through thick and thin. Through the lies, the cheating, the drinking. Because I always knew there was this great thing in him that was just longing to be released. He is four, maybe five months sober and still, he is not happy. He sleeps all the time. He rarely helps me with things around the house. I know that things are hard for him right now, but I am to a point where I am losing my patience. How long does it take to make a family work? This is not a trick "light bulb" question. I want an answer. This weekend I told him I was at my breaking point. I told him I couldn't take it like this anymore. His response: Maybe I ought to get on an antidepressent.

Hey! There's a thought.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I just can't get it right. I feel like maybe this wonderful light at the end of the tunnel was just some sort of fabrication that I made up and held on to for so long, and I am starting to wonder if it doesn't exist?

I am so mad all the time. I wake up angry. I go to bed angry. I hold in all of this horribly unhealthy aggression and frustration because I don't feel like anyone will listen if I express how I feel. Who wants to hear another sob story from Brittney? Not my husband. He has his own issues. Not room enough for mine. Ben has no idea that Jen's family has been sending me messages, telling me the only reason he is with me is because she didn't want him. He has no fucking idea that I deal with that kind of shit. I spare him from the details because he doesn't like "drama."

I made a huge mistake last week. I went shopping. I don't know why I did it knowing that we didn't really have the money to blow. But I did and it felt heavenly. I think in a way I knew that it would come back and hit me in the face, but for the time being I didn't even care. I just wanted to do something that I WANTED TO DO without having to hear anyone bitch about it. I don't do anything for myself. NOTHING. The one thing I loved doing- roller derby, I can't even do. Ben gripes every single time that I go because it's HIS day to do something. He is completely infatuated with his foosball tournaments. I understand that it helps keep him sober, I understand it is the one thing that he can envelope himself in. He goes every Wednesday and every Saturday. No questions. It's just "his thing." But I'll be damned if I am going to be pushed to the side again. How many times have I stepped aside and let Ben do what he needs to do? How many times have I let myself be put on the back burner to appease Ben?

Like I said, I spent too much money this weekend. I honestly didn't know certain bills weren't paid yet. Ben left for a business trip this morning very upset because of it. I called him to apologize. It ended up in a huge argument. He said I make him feel like a bad husband. I make him feel like he doesn't do anything for me. He said he provides for us financially, wasn't that enough? He told me if I thought I could find something better than maybe I ought to try and do that.

I don't think Ben gets it. He doesn't understand that supporting me financially isn't enough. He doesn't understand that in his misery of not being able to drink that I am suffering so badly. I am this fragile thing in need of support too. My best friend is nonexistent. I am so alone and I feel like a failure. I thought I could fix this. I thought the family picture would be real. It would be who we are. But it's not.

What am I doing wrong???

I thought I was a good person. I thought I had all these things to offer, but I'm starting to think that I just don't. Having faith that things will change and things actually changing are not even close to the same thing.

I want to go sleep sometimes and just never wake up.

I look at you. Sometimes with the long for your approval. Other times with joy from fond memories. And others, with emptiness. I find myself in some desperate attempt to win over your attention and know that one hundred percent of the response that I receive is in fact honest and heart felt. I don't believe you. And with that thought, my heart drops into my toes and punches me in the gut.
Damn you for making my life so hard. Damn you for ever making me question. Damn you for not getting rid of her before now. Damn you for not seeing that I need more. Damn you for not realizing that this is not always about you and your problems. What about mine? I know I'm not perfect. I am so far from it. I am sure you have quite a few "Damn you's" to come at me too. And you're entitled to them. Just tell me. Talk to me. Be the other half of me that you used to be.
I tell you those three sacred words and with each time, I question more and more of what they mean. Moreso, of what they mean to us? Anything? Something? Something small? Something big perhaps, that we've hidden under the daily bullshit?
The nerve endings have tingling sensations, in spurts. I do feel it from time to time. But Lord Christ, why does it have to be so hard? Why can't the love just come naturally. Why does it take prodding. Why does it take hurting so much to get an apology? Why the fuck does it all have to be so difficult?
I see you try. I see you attempting to make your life better. And I know this is what you have to do. But I still sit here, alone, in a home full of bodies wondering when I can become a part of your life again. I miss you. I miss the dream of what my life was supposed to be. And I am utterly confused. The confusion is what makes me so sad. I will face the world with a smile and tell them how proud of you I am. Because God knows that I am proud. Of you. So much more than you will ever know. I want you to be happy. Sober. Fullfilled. Should I feel guilty for wanting the same?

I can breathe

Oh, what a glorious feeling. I feel good. It's been a little while since I've been on my A game, but I am getting close. Things (for those of you who know my situation) were a little bad there for a while. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know the road ahead is going to be long and hard. But I am going to do everything in my power to keep me and my family happy, healthy and in the best spirits possible. I've just got this one life, and I'm going to make the best of it.

One broken bottle and one broken man

Ben: God, I love this cd.

"One broken bottle. And one broken man drenched in a bourbon perfume."

Me: Yeah, he speaks the truth. It's kind of a sad cd though, don't you think? He's a great artist. But this entire cd is about drinking. He must have lived a sad life."

Ben: Yeah, this cd is like my life story.

"Well I fell off track somewhere along the way .Chained all my dreams to a mirror and a razor blade. Momma said I guess its just a part of growing up. And I’ve spent my last five years trying to straighten up"

Ben: So what do you want to do tonight?

Me: I don't know. Let's go bowling.

Ben: Nah, I don't want to go bowling.

Me: Why not? It'll be fun.

Ben: Maybe tomorrow. Hey, I need to swing by the store.

Me: What store?

Ben: The liquor store.



Silence. Anger. Frustration. Insecurities. Blame. Guilt. Anger. Frustration. Insecurities. Blame. Guilt. Anger. Silence.

"Its a sticky situation that i've gotten myself into. Same old obligation has got me torn between this ole bottle and you. And i'll probably choose the drinking so you're probably gonna pack your bags. Spend a few lonely hours thinking before you.. before you come running back. Beggin me to be just a little stronger. To stay sober longer. Not to let you down. Must these demons haunt me and lay their wicked burdens on me? Lord wont you show me how to put the bottle down?"

Dane: Where's my Daddy?

Me: He had to run in the store for a minute.

Dane: To get beer?

Me: No hunny. He just needed to get a drink.

Dane: Oh, okay momma.


"Another bourbon vacation has got me crawling on the floor. And i'm in no condition to say a word when she comes walking through the door. The color starts fading when I hear her crying up and down the hall. As iIdrift away i can feel her praying saying lord will you show him heaven after all the hell he's been through?
Can I be a little stronger and not make her wonder when im going to let her down? Must these demons haunt me and lay their wicked burdens on me and lord wont you show me how to put the bottle down? "

Ben walks back to the car.

Ben: Okay, I'm ready. Let's go home. I'm ready for a drink! Seriously, this is a great cd.

Me: Yeah.

I'm feeling weak because there is only so much I can control.

Last night I dreamed that the world was coming to an end
The holy rapture had already came and went
Left behind through hard times in bad lands where I belong
I thought about my loved ones and all of the things that I’d done wrong
There was no denying
I would be beaten by the chain of consequences
I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain
Feels like I slip further from you every single day
It’s getting harder to call your name when I bow my head to pray
And it’s nobody’s fault by mine
Nobody’s but my own
All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on
And they’re multiplying
Every link in the chain of consequences
I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain
And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
because they understand my pain
and they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the tears that fall from angels’ eyes
Holy majesty come and save me from my sins
Polish up this rusty shell that I’ve been livin in
This life is a steppin stone
But I’ve fallen through the cracks
And I’m calling on you now to come and
Come and bring me back
Can’t you hear me crying?
Help me break this chain of consequences
I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain
And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
Cause they understand my pain
And they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the rain that falls from angels’ eyes

As I prayed to God last night and asked for the many things I tend to ask Him for, I found myself asking him to help the world to be ridden of bad. And I veered from my prayers for a moment and I thought about that long and hard. I can only imagine what this world would be if everyone cared and loved. I can only imagine how much more beautiful this place would be if hate and anger and jealousy were not a part of it. Probably the way He actually pictured it to be.
Anyway, I kept thinking about some recent things that have happened in my life and I think that I came to a realization. The fact is, that I have a big heart when it comes to others. I tend to see the world in a little different light than most people. And I also portray someone who is very strong. I am calloused on the outside to protect the delicate feelings on the inside. Often times, I think it is hard for people to see how emotional I am. I do what I can to joke and to make light of most situations. But I do still struggle with my own demons. I am sure we all do at some point in our lives. I find myself lacking a love for myself, and yet I have this burning desire to give it to everyone else. I'm not quite sure where the imbalance comes into place. But it is who I am.
I also realized that I cannot expect the same out of others. Sure, in my perfect world, everyone would constantly strive to think about things before they take action. Everyone would love art and have an appreciation for good poetry. Everyone would go out of their way to help others. Everyone would know exactly why I feel the way I feel and have a desire to share that feeling with the rest of the world. But I've got to be real here. I just want there to be good in the world. I want to be a part of that good. I am hurt when people bring me down because that somehow takes me down from that place of sunshine and rainbows that I always want to be. But I cannot blame anyone for that. People are simply different. It's what gives this world character. And so for now, I think I just need to learn to take a step back and know that we all have some sort of desire in our lives-and because none of them are the same, I can't expect for reactions to be the same. I've always said that people should be kind 100% of the time- even to folks who are hard to tolerate. You never know what someone else is going through. I'm not talking walking on eggshells here. But I'm saying it's best to just smile and move on- even when confronted with a scowl.
I think most people shun the whole sunshine and rainbows way of things because maybe they aren't able to do it. But I can. And I'm proud of that. Even if the rest of the world is not with me, I'm okay with being where I'm at. It helps me to feel happy. I hope the rest of the world does whatever it is that makes them happy. Because once we all can figure that out- this world will TRULY be a beautiful place.

We're worried about you.

Huh. (Enter shake of the head here).
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say the turmoil in my life ranks at about a 3.5.
I'm tired. I wake up every morning at 5am. Take my daily Lexapro to get things started off right. I work my ass off all day. I go to the gym after work. I fight traffic. I go home. Possibly deal with a migraine. Clean my house. Drink a glass of wine. Maybe 2. On the weekends, maybe 3.
I AM TWENTY FIVE years old for goodness sakes. I think I have my shit together. I own a house, a have a nice car, a job I truly enjoy, a family that I love.
I am not miserable. God, I just wish I could take the ones who are "concerned" about me back about 5 years. Then they would know what Brittney being miserable looks like. I was a mess back then. I hated my life. But you know what? Things have changed.
Of course I deal with daily struggles. What person doesn't? Specifically I have dealt with Ben's drinking problem. Sure it has gotten me down. It is hard to be a family member of someone who struggles with alcoholism. But he tries. It's a struggle for him too. He's has done so well lately. He has been so considerate. He has tried so damn hard. So tell me you're concerned, fine! I can understand how friends are concerned, but do they not realize that it is easier to bitch about someone than it is to commend them.? It's human nature. We need to vent. We need to get out the things that stress us out. I never once meant for my life to seem like it's a bunch of hell- a life I don't want to be in. Because if that's what you think- than you are wrong. Very, very wrong.

So the day has finally come

Today was the day that I spoke with the person who has plagued so many of my days and caused so much havoc in my life and disrupted my emotional well being. Today I answered the phone and she was on the other end of the line. She spoke with a sweet voice and a gentle tone and when she said who she was I felt my face go white and did all I could to keep my composure.
She apologized. She took the time to explain to me so many questions that were never answered. And I listened. And I thanked her.
I wish I could shake it off. I wish so badly that I could just "let it be the past" like he tells me it was.
He's said it was all so long ago. Said it was all just a stupid mistake. But in fact, she did not just consume my life, but his as well. Whether it was just something he did for fun, or something he did because it was meaningful. It was something; the reason why I will constantly question and constantly fear that it will happen again.
I am so full of emotions right now I can't even get them out on paper. I can't begin to express the garble that is going through my brain right now. For him, she is his past. For me, her presence in the past makes it part of my present.

In a year, there is a season for each feeling; a feeling for each thought; a thought for each experience.
Winter, spring, summer or fall- all you've got to do is call. You know the rest.
Yet in each season, no matter which suits you best, there is a promising storm. Always unexpected and not usually welcome.
Stuck inside. Left to wonder when this visitor will be on his way.
You stand at your window- watching, waiting. Wanting for this downpour to pass.
And you think.
You think. Reminesce of memories past. Dwell on current hardships. Wish. Pray. Hope.
The storms give us time if nothing else. Time to mentally take a break from the day in which we struggle. Time to walk over to an old record player and watch the black vinyl dance on a needle. Time to look into a snow globe at the mesmorizing specks of glitter that worlds ago was to you- prancing fairies if held against the light. Time to open up jewlery boxes and place old chains around our necks. Time to look into the mirror and remember what it was like the first time these jewels adorned you.
And we stop. And for a time, all is forgotten.
The storm has moved on to offer a break to another.
Winter, spring, summer or fall. You know the rest.

Loving my son

Last night I felt something that I haven't really felt in a long time. (And no I am not referring to the God awful pain of my wisdom tooth.)
I looked at my son Dane, and I felt a really overwhelming feeling. It's hard to explain. We were having a conversation about taking a bath and for a split second, I felt like I was watching the two of us from an outside perspective. I told Dane I loved him. He told me he loved me "soooo much."
And I sat there watching; contemplating the love that the two of us actually felt for each other. My heart felt lighter and I smiled. It was completely overwhelming. It was beautiful.
I thought about that feeling for a long time. Long enough to actually be writing about it today. And I realized that so often, love is just a word. We say it. And we live it. But I think sometimes we forget to truly feel it. As functioning people, we simply live in our day to day lives. We do what we have to do to get by. And in that routine, the depth of emotion can go astray.
Dane and I get ready in the morning. I put out fires of two year old distress. I take him to school. I work. He plays. I pick him up. We eat dinner. More fires are put out. He takes a bath. We say our prayers and give kisses. He goes to bed.
Life becomes routine. It's just how it works. It makes life flow. But in that routine, sometimes you forget to take a step back and see what actually is going on.
For whatever reason, I was able to do that last night. And I am very grateful for that.

She just takes it one breath at a time.

A very dear friend of mine has gone through so much trauma lately. Her son has been sick basically since the day he was born, her father underwent a kidney transplant and just last week passed from cancer. And as if that was not enough, her home burned down yesterday. And yet she continues to just push through, without complaint, without emotional breakdown.
I am in awe of how she functions through this. It doesn't make sense in my head. Not even a little. Not at all.
I think of myself- of the things I struggle with. And it all seems so big at times. It seems too much to handle. But in the scope of things, my life is a piece of cake.
I look at Stephanie and I see her strength- her never ending desire to just "get through" and she makes it seem so easy. My heart aches at how her outside shell refuses to show weakness. I pray to God that this is it. No more trauma for her family.