I can breathe

Oh, what a glorious feeling. I feel good. It's been a little while since I've been on my A game, but I am getting close. Things (for those of you who know my situation) were a little bad there for a while. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know the road ahead is going to be long and hard. But I am going to do everything in my power to keep me and my family happy, healthy and in the best spirits possible. I've just got this one life, and I'm going to make the best of it.

One broken bottle and one broken man

Ben: God, I love this cd.

"One broken bottle. And one broken man drenched in a bourbon perfume."

Me: Yeah, he speaks the truth. It's kind of a sad cd though, don't you think? He's a great artist. But this entire cd is about drinking. He must have lived a sad life."

Ben: Yeah, this cd is like my life story.

"Well I fell off track somewhere along the way .Chained all my dreams to a mirror and a razor blade. Momma said I guess its just a part of growing up. And I’ve spent my last five years trying to straighten up"

Ben: So what do you want to do tonight?

Me: I don't know. Let's go bowling.

Ben: Nah, I don't want to go bowling.

Me: Why not? It'll be fun.

Ben: Maybe tomorrow. Hey, I need to swing by the store.

Me: What store?

Ben: The liquor store.



Silence. Anger. Frustration. Insecurities. Blame. Guilt. Anger. Frustration. Insecurities. Blame. Guilt. Anger. Silence.

"Its a sticky situation that i've gotten myself into. Same old obligation has got me torn between this ole bottle and you. And i'll probably choose the drinking so you're probably gonna pack your bags. Spend a few lonely hours thinking before you.. before you come running back. Beggin me to be just a little stronger. To stay sober longer. Not to let you down. Must these demons haunt me and lay their wicked burdens on me? Lord wont you show me how to put the bottle down?"

Dane: Where's my Daddy?

Me: He had to run in the store for a minute.

Dane: To get beer?

Me: No hunny. He just needed to get a drink.

Dane: Oh, okay momma.


"Another bourbon vacation has got me crawling on the floor. And i'm in no condition to say a word when she comes walking through the door. The color starts fading when I hear her crying up and down the hall. As iIdrift away i can feel her praying saying lord will you show him heaven after all the hell he's been through?
Can I be a little stronger and not make her wonder when im going to let her down? Must these demons haunt me and lay their wicked burdens on me and lord wont you show me how to put the bottle down? "

Ben walks back to the car.

Ben: Okay, I'm ready. Let's go home. I'm ready for a drink! Seriously, this is a great cd.

Me: Yeah.

I'm feeling weak because there is only so much I can control.

Last night I dreamed that the world was coming to an end
The holy rapture had already came and went
Left behind through hard times in bad lands where I belong
I thought about my loved ones and all of the things that I’d done wrong
There was no denying
I would be beaten by the chain of consequences
I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain
Feels like I slip further from you every single day
It’s getting harder to call your name when I bow my head to pray
And it’s nobody’s fault by mine
Nobody’s but my own
All the doubts in my head leave no will to carry on
And they’re multiplying
Every link in the chain of consequences
I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain
And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
because they understand my pain
and they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the tears that fall from angels’ eyes
Holy majesty come and save me from my sins
Polish up this rusty shell that I’ve been livin in
This life is a steppin stone
But I’ve fallen through the cracks
And I’m calling on you now to come and
Come and bring me back
Can’t you hear me crying?
Help me break this chain of consequences
I’m beaten by the chain
By the chain
And as the watch me fall
The angels cry
Cause they understand my pain
And they’ve seen the blood spilled in the battles of my life
I’m in a leap of faith, racing through the sky
I’m like the rain that falls from angels’ eyes

As I prayed to God last night and asked for the many things I tend to ask Him for, I found myself asking him to help the world to be ridden of bad. And I veered from my prayers for a moment and I thought about that long and hard. I can only imagine what this world would be if everyone cared and loved. I can only imagine how much more beautiful this place would be if hate and anger and jealousy were not a part of it. Probably the way He actually pictured it to be.
Anyway, I kept thinking about some recent things that have happened in my life and I think that I came to a realization. The fact is, that I have a big heart when it comes to others. I tend to see the world in a little different light than most people. And I also portray someone who is very strong. I am calloused on the outside to protect the delicate feelings on the inside. Often times, I think it is hard for people to see how emotional I am. I do what I can to joke and to make light of most situations. But I do still struggle with my own demons. I am sure we all do at some point in our lives. I find myself lacking a love for myself, and yet I have this burning desire to give it to everyone else. I'm not quite sure where the imbalance comes into place. But it is who I am.
I also realized that I cannot expect the same out of others. Sure, in my perfect world, everyone would constantly strive to think about things before they take action. Everyone would love art and have an appreciation for good poetry. Everyone would go out of their way to help others. Everyone would know exactly why I feel the way I feel and have a desire to share that feeling with the rest of the world. But I've got to be real here. I just want there to be good in the world. I want to be a part of that good. I am hurt when people bring me down because that somehow takes me down from that place of sunshine and rainbows that I always want to be. But I cannot blame anyone for that. People are simply different. It's what gives this world character. And so for now, I think I just need to learn to take a step back and know that we all have some sort of desire in our lives-and because none of them are the same, I can't expect for reactions to be the same. I've always said that people should be kind 100% of the time- even to folks who are hard to tolerate. You never know what someone else is going through. I'm not talking walking on eggshells here. But I'm saying it's best to just smile and move on- even when confronted with a scowl.
I think most people shun the whole sunshine and rainbows way of things because maybe they aren't able to do it. But I can. And I'm proud of that. Even if the rest of the world is not with me, I'm okay with being where I'm at. It helps me to feel happy. I hope the rest of the world does whatever it is that makes them happy. Because once we all can figure that out- this world will TRULY be a beautiful place.

We're worried about you.

Huh. (Enter shake of the head here).
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say the turmoil in my life ranks at about a 3.5.
I'm tired. I wake up every morning at 5am. Take my daily Lexapro to get things started off right. I work my ass off all day. I go to the gym after work. I fight traffic. I go home. Possibly deal with a migraine. Clean my house. Drink a glass of wine. Maybe 2. On the weekends, maybe 3.
I AM TWENTY FIVE years old for goodness sakes. I think I have my shit together. I own a house, a have a nice car, a job I truly enjoy, a family that I love.
I am not miserable. God, I just wish I could take the ones who are "concerned" about me back about 5 years. Then they would know what Brittney being miserable looks like. I was a mess back then. I hated my life. But you know what? Things have changed.
Of course I deal with daily struggles. What person doesn't? Specifically I have dealt with Ben's drinking problem. Sure it has gotten me down. It is hard to be a family member of someone who struggles with alcoholism. But he tries. It's a struggle for him too. He's has done so well lately. He has been so considerate. He has tried so damn hard. So tell me you're concerned, fine! I can understand how friends are concerned, but do they not realize that it is easier to bitch about someone than it is to commend them.? It's human nature. We need to vent. We need to get out the things that stress us out. I never once meant for my life to seem like it's a bunch of hell- a life I don't want to be in. Because if that's what you think- than you are wrong. Very, very wrong.

So the day has finally come

Today was the day that I spoke with the person who has plagued so many of my days and caused so much havoc in my life and disrupted my emotional well being. Today I answered the phone and she was on the other end of the line. She spoke with a sweet voice and a gentle tone and when she said who she was I felt my face go white and did all I could to keep my composure.
She apologized. She took the time to explain to me so many questions that were never answered. And I listened. And I thanked her.
I wish I could shake it off. I wish so badly that I could just "let it be the past" like he tells me it was.
He's said it was all so long ago. Said it was all just a stupid mistake. But in fact, she did not just consume my life, but his as well. Whether it was just something he did for fun, or something he did because it was meaningful. It was something; the reason why I will constantly question and constantly fear that it will happen again.
I am so full of emotions right now I can't even get them out on paper. I can't begin to express the garble that is going through my brain right now. For him, she is his past. For me, her presence in the past makes it part of my present.

In a year, there is a season for each feeling; a feeling for each thought; a thought for each experience.
Winter, spring, summer or fall- all you've got to do is call. You know the rest.
Yet in each season, no matter which suits you best, there is a promising storm. Always unexpected and not usually welcome.
Stuck inside. Left to wonder when this visitor will be on his way.
You stand at your window- watching, waiting. Wanting for this downpour to pass.
And you think.
You think. Reminesce of memories past. Dwell on current hardships. Wish. Pray. Hope.
The storms give us time if nothing else. Time to mentally take a break from the day in which we struggle. Time to walk over to an old record player and watch the black vinyl dance on a needle. Time to look into a snow globe at the mesmorizing specks of glitter that worlds ago was to you- prancing fairies if held against the light. Time to open up jewlery boxes and place old chains around our necks. Time to look into the mirror and remember what it was like the first time these jewels adorned you.
And we stop. And for a time, all is forgotten.
The storm has moved on to offer a break to another.
Winter, spring, summer or fall. You know the rest.

Loving my son

Last night I felt something that I haven't really felt in a long time. (And no I am not referring to the God awful pain of my wisdom tooth.)
I looked at my son Dane, and I felt a really overwhelming feeling. It's hard to explain. We were having a conversation about taking a bath and for a split second, I felt like I was watching the two of us from an outside perspective. I told Dane I loved him. He told me he loved me "soooo much."
And I sat there watching; contemplating the love that the two of us actually felt for each other. My heart felt lighter and I smiled. It was completely overwhelming. It was beautiful.
I thought about that feeling for a long time. Long enough to actually be writing about it today. And I realized that so often, love is just a word. We say it. And we live it. But I think sometimes we forget to truly feel it. As functioning people, we simply live in our day to day lives. We do what we have to do to get by. And in that routine, the depth of emotion can go astray.
Dane and I get ready in the morning. I put out fires of two year old distress. I take him to school. I work. He plays. I pick him up. We eat dinner. More fires are put out. He takes a bath. We say our prayers and give kisses. He goes to bed.
Life becomes routine. It's just how it works. It makes life flow. But in that routine, sometimes you forget to take a step back and see what actually is going on.
For whatever reason, I was able to do that last night. And I am very grateful for that.

She just takes it one breath at a time.

A very dear friend of mine has gone through so much trauma lately. Her son has been sick basically since the day he was born, her father underwent a kidney transplant and just last week passed from cancer. And as if that was not enough, her home burned down yesterday. And yet she continues to just push through, without complaint, without emotional breakdown.
I am in awe of how she functions through this. It doesn't make sense in my head. Not even a little. Not at all.
I think of myself- of the things I struggle with. And it all seems so big at times. It seems too much to handle. But in the scope of things, my life is a piece of cake.
I look at Stephanie and I see her strength- her never ending desire to just "get through" and she makes it seem so easy. My heart aches at how her outside shell refuses to show weakness. I pray to God that this is it. No more trauma for her family.

Crazy emotions

Think of the one song that you listen to and it just makes you all teary or emotional or mad- this is how I feel right now.
Overwhelmed.
I guess that is a little bit of an understatement.
Life is just this giant thing and you think you have it all figured out, you think you have a plan, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
But you don't. You just don't. Because your life isn't at all in your hands. Certain things yes- Decisions you make, the person you choose to be. But the plan? Not a chance. That's God's deal.
So for now, with as hard as it is to just trust that, I will take a deep breath and trust God on this one. I have never been in such bad shape that I wasn't able to get up and brush it off.
Now is no exception.