Saturday, March 7, 2009

How much? When does it become too much?

Good God. I wish I had a way to see into future- to see what it holds- if there is a way that it will all make sense one of these days? And my fear is that I won't. My fear is that I will just keep living this life hoping that things will be better. Hoping that I will find happiness within myself AND within my relationship with my husband. Two very huge accomplishments- and I honestly don't have a fucking clue if both or even one of them will work out.
I have myself: As of the fifth, I am 26. I am a sad, grown, insecure person. I have never liked myself like someone should. I have always doubted myself. Always wanted more and dreamed of huge accomplishments for myself, but never have done well enough to reach those goals. Sometimes just day to day living is a struggle for me. I was hospitalized because I was on teh edge on not knowing if I even wanted to survive. I didn't know if living was worth all of the heartache. And I am well aware that those thoughts aren't okay. I know they aren't healthy. Which is way I went to the hospital. I needed the time away from teh day to day bullshit to find myself. To allow myself to cry, to get away, to get some help. I thought it was the best choice.
And then there's Ben- Jesus, the things I have put up with. And yet I always feel like I need to defend him. Because he is a good person. But he has just fucked up so many times. What happened last night- you know, maybe it wasn't his fault. But I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I care. He is 33 years old. Still getting in trouble. Still making my life so much harder than it has to be. So why the fuck do I put up with it? He cannot understand why I would be mad. He keeps telling me that he's had to put up with me. He told me tonight how selfish I was to go to the hospital. That if I didn't go, we'd still have money. NIce. I try to take care of myself, and I get the third degree for it. But Ben can go and get himself ARRESTED for a fucking bar fight and I should stick beside him. Because you know, it wasn't his fault. Because he will find a way to figure things out. He'll find a way to pay for a lawyer. He'll find a way to put money into our account. And because of that, I should remember how he always makes things okay. And yet, I don't really care. I do love him. I do. But I am so sick of this childish bullshit. My child saw his father get arrested at our home yesterday. And I should just be okay with that. Ben even brought up the time I was being raped and whe saved me. He said that he went to jail for me and I should remember that. Nice. Nice Ben. Yeah, I remember that. I also remember all of the lies, all of the drugs, all of the drunk nights. So point out to me how I am depressed and not happy with my life. Point out to me the times you helped me. And in doing so, maybe you will make me feel bad enough to where I should feel bad for you.

2 comments:

000099357 said...

I am hereby giving you permission to be selfish. Not with your money, not with your posessions, but with YOU. Stop giving yourself to someone who is not appreciating what you are giving. I hate to say it, but maybe you should consider getting away from the toxic elements of your life for a while. If you keep going the way you are, and doing the same things you have always done, nothing will ever change. Do you want to change? Happiness IS possible. If you can wipe away all of the mud on your windshield, you will see it. Once you see it, you can take a look at your mud again and bring it back into your view to see that it is actually fertile soil with which to grow beautiful flowers. Ok, that was a bad analogy, but I think it gets the point across without naming names lol.

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