Ben,
What can I say? You know I write better than I talk or argue, so I figured I'd give this a shot.
I always thought that you and I would find a way to make each other happy. A couple weeks ago when we were playing "perfect family" I was pretty much the happiest I had ever been. Having you as a helpful husband and excited dad keeps me going. I think it is what I have held on to for so long. It's what I would want if I wished for a perfect life. But even with as wonderful as everything was or seemed, I knew in my heart it wouldn't stay that way.
Ben, I know that I am not perfect. I know when you talk about my flaws you see a fat person. You see a sad person. But God I wish you could see how much more there was to me. I have always found that in you. I have always looked inside of the drunk man. Inside of the cheater. Inside of all of the walls that you put up, because I truly believed that the great person in you would emerge.
But after hearing what you said about me in the garage, I am not sure that the good guy I thought you were is really who you are. And that breaks my heart more than anything. The fact that you called me disgusting and fat and said that I don't contribute to the family. The fact that you said you don't feel like you should help me lose weight because it was just "expected". The fact that you sat there and called me a fat bitch in front of our son sickens me to the depth of my stomach. Ben he said we should call the cops on you. Dane said that. Your son.
I don't say these things to make you feel like you're a horrible person- but I say them so that you know how horrible they sound. I am so sick and tired of being the one who is getting beaten down emotionally when you decide to get fucked up or when you're in a bad mood. I am not going to allow Dane to see that. I am ashamed that you as his father would even consider saying those things in front of him. It's a choice you make Ben. A CHOICE.
I know when I cut my arms that it was a really fucking bad choice. Okay, I know that! It;s why I called 911 bc I was afraid of what I might do had I sat around without help any longer. I care about my family. I want to be a good wife and a good mom. And no, I'm not perfect. But I've tried. I've gone to therapy. I have tried talking with you. And if the one thing that makes me unsuitable for you is the fact that I don't have a perfect body- then it is very obvious that the two of us were not meant to be.
I don't want to give up. I want a break. I need to know that I am worth more than you make me feel. When you got arrested you said we were in it together. What about everything else Ben? You mentions the vows we took. What did they mean when you said them? I am afraid they meant different things to us. I don't know what it is that you want. I honestly don't know what will make you happy. I can honestly say that I have tried to help you with every part of my soul. I've tried to help you. I've stood by you.
And after what I heard last night, I wander why I have for so long. Am I wrong to think that there is a better person inside of you? I can't answer that question for you. I just hope that you are able to be a good dad to Dane and find happiness within yourself. I feel like you've avoided the obvious things that plague your life. I don't understand why you avoid them. I don't understand why you go get medicine and then just stop. I don't understand why you can't go out and have fun and be responsible without getting into trouble or lying. I just don't. I want to see you happy. So I hope you do what you have to do to get there. I'm just not going to be the one who gets hurt because you're taking out your frustrations on me. I am a good person Ben- whether you want to admit it or not. I am. I love people and I love life. And I just want to enjoy it again. I wish it came naturally for you to want to be a part of that.
That's all I can say for now.
Oh- and one last thing. I used to think this blog would be about the silly things in life. I guess those things haven't existed for a while. And that makes me sad. I'm going to do my best not to talk about you anymore. I have to be happy again. I'm sick of the melancholy.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
How much? When does it become too much?
Good God. I wish I had a way to see into future- to see what it holds- if there is a way that it will all make sense one of these days? And my fear is that I won't. My fear is that I will just keep living this life hoping that things will be better. Hoping that I will find happiness within myself AND within my relationship with my husband. Two very huge accomplishments- and I honestly don't have a fucking clue if both or even one of them will work out.
I have myself: As of the fifth, I am 26. I am a sad, grown, insecure person. I have never liked myself like someone should. I have always doubted myself. Always wanted more and dreamed of huge accomplishments for myself, but never have done well enough to reach those goals. Sometimes just day to day living is a struggle for me. I was hospitalized because I was on teh edge on not knowing if I even wanted to survive. I didn't know if living was worth all of the heartache. And I am well aware that those thoughts aren't okay. I know they aren't healthy. Which is way I went to the hospital. I needed the time away from teh day to day bullshit to find myself. To allow myself to cry, to get away, to get some help. I thought it was the best choice.
And then there's Ben- Jesus, the things I have put up with. And yet I always feel like I need to defend him. Because he is a good person. But he has just fucked up so many times. What happened last night- you know, maybe it wasn't his fault. But I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I care. He is 33 years old. Still getting in trouble. Still making my life so much harder than it has to be. So why the fuck do I put up with it? He cannot understand why I would be mad. He keeps telling me that he's had to put up with me. He told me tonight how selfish I was to go to the hospital. That if I didn't go, we'd still have money. NIce. I try to take care of myself, and I get the third degree for it. But Ben can go and get himself ARRESTED for a fucking bar fight and I should stick beside him. Because you know, it wasn't his fault. Because he will find a way to figure things out. He'll find a way to pay for a lawyer. He'll find a way to put money into our account. And because of that, I should remember how he always makes things okay. And yet, I don't really care. I do love him. I do. But I am so sick of this childish bullshit. My child saw his father get arrested at our home yesterday. And I should just be okay with that. Ben even brought up the time I was being raped and whe saved me. He said that he went to jail for me and I should remember that. Nice. Nice Ben. Yeah, I remember that. I also remember all of the lies, all of the drugs, all of the drunk nights. So point out to me how I am depressed and not happy with my life. Point out to me the times you helped me. And in doing so, maybe you will make me feel bad enough to where I should feel bad for you.
I have myself: As of the fifth, I am 26. I am a sad, grown, insecure person. I have never liked myself like someone should. I have always doubted myself. Always wanted more and dreamed of huge accomplishments for myself, but never have done well enough to reach those goals. Sometimes just day to day living is a struggle for me. I was hospitalized because I was on teh edge on not knowing if I even wanted to survive. I didn't know if living was worth all of the heartache. And I am well aware that those thoughts aren't okay. I know they aren't healthy. Which is way I went to the hospital. I needed the time away from teh day to day bullshit to find myself. To allow myself to cry, to get away, to get some help. I thought it was the best choice.
And then there's Ben- Jesus, the things I have put up with. And yet I always feel like I need to defend him. Because he is a good person. But he has just fucked up so many times. What happened last night- you know, maybe it wasn't his fault. But I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I care. He is 33 years old. Still getting in trouble. Still making my life so much harder than it has to be. So why the fuck do I put up with it? He cannot understand why I would be mad. He keeps telling me that he's had to put up with me. He told me tonight how selfish I was to go to the hospital. That if I didn't go, we'd still have money. NIce. I try to take care of myself, and I get the third degree for it. But Ben can go and get himself ARRESTED for a fucking bar fight and I should stick beside him. Because you know, it wasn't his fault. Because he will find a way to figure things out. He'll find a way to pay for a lawyer. He'll find a way to put money into our account. And because of that, I should remember how he always makes things okay. And yet, I don't really care. I do love him. I do. But I am so sick of this childish bullshit. My child saw his father get arrested at our home yesterday. And I should just be okay with that. Ben even brought up the time I was being raped and whe saved me. He said that he went to jail for me and I should remember that. Nice. Nice Ben. Yeah, I remember that. I also remember all of the lies, all of the drugs, all of the drunk nights. So point out to me how I am depressed and not happy with my life. Point out to me the times you helped me. And in doing so, maybe you will make me feel bad enough to where I should feel bad for you.
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