I needed you

I had that desire. That immense desire to sail through the rough tides of the ocean and continue to carry on. Carry on with this burden of love.
I was scared to show you who I really was. A fragile being. A strong and independent woman. And in that camoflauge, I forgot who I was. Who I am.
I dreamed of you last night. You were so beautiful and I was not. I jumped out of a window. Turned out it was only ten feet in the air. And I turned around, relieved, with only a minor aching in my feet. And I asked you, "Do you feel like we can go on?" You stared blankly at me and I turned and walked the other way.
I don't know for sure what it is that I want. Something more than the lies we live, for sure. I want to be loved, this I know. I want to be appreciated, respected. I thought I wanted to grow old with you. And I stopped for a moment today and looked into your beautiful green eyes and wondered if you felt the same. And in the place of the pumping blood of excitement that once resided inside of me was an emptiness, filled with much doubt.
This can't fail. There is too much invested. Too much I still want to say to you, but fear you don't want to hear.
It's a lonesome time. I am thankful for this outlet.

Jen told me to make him open the box. Maybe he'll read this instead

If I waited all this time to have a share then explore my piece and bite.
It's like having a grenade strapped to my stomach with our names on it.
I only thought of you and I, of ashes and us alone
On a sacred beach with only flashes of our last moan.
I am full of love, and of anger and intelligence and respect.
But I find myself in the daytime wondering where you're kept.
Skies do not open for my batting lashes or lips of ruby.
They open for my wrath and tears and for my sacred scurry.
Tell me I do not have to preach to you or make you listen!
Scream to me that I may not have another bed to christen!
My guidance is right through teh solemn angel's eyes
but you have no grace with that frown, you give me sour times.
I have lied for us, I have lied for me. I lie to me until it suits.
You want to dance, I can feel it in my grey scaled boots.
Please stay in life and feel the warmth of the earth.
Please stay in the light of love that I give, not in your hearse.
I can make you whole. I can make you sound.
I want to make you feel casually rebound.
I can't move without you. I can't feel what happy is.
I have no sound reason why but I know it isn't this.

Thank you God

Really. I am so grateful. I know that things sometimes feel like I can't get through them, but there is ALWAYS something or someone who ends up picking me up off of my knees and helps me to remember that I am here on Earth for a purpose.
I am going to do my best to try and remember that.
I am thankful for what I have, although at times it seems sparse. But all in all, I have a very rewarding life. I have a lot to offer and I pray that I never lose sight of that.

Put on a happy face

<----- This is what my family should be... except it's only what we look like on the outside.

I love my family. I have tried so hard to make it work. I've stood by Ben through thick and thin. Through the lies, the cheating, the drinking. Because I always knew there was this great thing in him that was just longing to be released. He is four, maybe five months sober and still, he is not happy. He sleeps all the time. He rarely helps me with things around the house. I know that things are hard for him right now, but I am to a point where I am losing my patience. How long does it take to make a family work? This is not a trick "light bulb" question. I want an answer. This weekend I told him I was at my breaking point. I told him I couldn't take it like this anymore. His response: Maybe I ought to get on an antidepressent.

Hey! There's a thought.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I just can't get it right. I feel like maybe this wonderful light at the end of the tunnel was just some sort of fabrication that I made up and held on to for so long, and I am starting to wonder if it doesn't exist?

I am so mad all the time. I wake up angry. I go to bed angry. I hold in all of this horribly unhealthy aggression and frustration because I don't feel like anyone will listen if I express how I feel. Who wants to hear another sob story from Brittney? Not my husband. He has his own issues. Not room enough for mine. Ben has no idea that Jen's family has been sending me messages, telling me the only reason he is with me is because she didn't want him. He has no fucking idea that I deal with that kind of shit. I spare him from the details because he doesn't like "drama."

I made a huge mistake last week. I went shopping. I don't know why I did it knowing that we didn't really have the money to blow. But I did and it felt heavenly. I think in a way I knew that it would come back and hit me in the face, but for the time being I didn't even care. I just wanted to do something that I WANTED TO DO without having to hear anyone bitch about it. I don't do anything for myself. NOTHING. The one thing I loved doing- roller derby, I can't even do. Ben gripes every single time that I go because it's HIS day to do something. He is completely infatuated with his foosball tournaments. I understand that it helps keep him sober, I understand it is the one thing that he can envelope himself in. He goes every Wednesday and every Saturday. No questions. It's just "his thing." But I'll be damned if I am going to be pushed to the side again. How many times have I stepped aside and let Ben do what he needs to do? How many times have I let myself be put on the back burner to appease Ben?

Like I said, I spent too much money this weekend. I honestly didn't know certain bills weren't paid yet. Ben left for a business trip this morning very upset because of it. I called him to apologize. It ended up in a huge argument. He said I make him feel like a bad husband. I make him feel like he doesn't do anything for me. He said he provides for us financially, wasn't that enough? He told me if I thought I could find something better than maybe I ought to try and do that.

I don't think Ben gets it. He doesn't understand that supporting me financially isn't enough. He doesn't understand that in his misery of not being able to drink that I am suffering so badly. I am this fragile thing in need of support too. My best friend is nonexistent. I am so alone and I feel like a failure. I thought I could fix this. I thought the family picture would be real. It would be who we are. But it's not.

What am I doing wrong???

I thought I was a good person. I thought I had all these things to offer, but I'm starting to think that I just don't. Having faith that things will change and things actually changing are not even close to the same thing.

I want to go sleep sometimes and just never wake up.