Oh how fragile it all is

I sit here reminiscing of how things were at nineteen years old. It all seemed so intense. Some days were incredibly painful. Wine and pills and cocaine; those were what consumed many of my days. I layed in bed so many nights, tears streaming down my face. Grasping life- what it was all about was just too much to wrap my head around. And seven years later, all of those feelings are a simple memory. I know now that trying to figure out life is something that comes with time; comes with experience.
I wish so badly I could have had this talk with Shaun. What a beautiful kid he was. So handsome. Incredibly smart and talented. Aw, what a smile he had. My heart is absolutely broken for all the things that could have possibly been taught to him; for the things that he could have learned; for what he would have said about his life at nineteen when he was twenty seven years old. But he can't do that. On Saturday he took his own life and in such an awful way. I wish I would have told him the last time that I saw him that it gets better. That growing up comes with tough times, but they make for a better person in the end. I wish I would have told him how awesome he was. I wish I would have told him that taking those pills all the time would neer make things better. I wish I would have told him from my own experience that it always turns out bad when you turn to drugs. I wish I could have told him how important he was to my brother. How much his family loved him. How much we all loved him. How if I knew this would have happened, that I would be sitting at my laptop at 3:30 in the afternoon crying over his decision to take his own life. I would have told him to just walk away- that there are so many otehr options.
I wish so badly that people who are struggling could just have a good, sit down talk with someone who has been through the same types of things. I wish I had the opportunity to do so. To tell Shaun to just breathe. This is a wonderful world- if you just let it show you all the beautiful and amazing things that is has to offer.
He should have been able to excel. Maybe play that guitar in front of a crowd cheering for him and grinning with the talent he was sharing with them. I wish he could have gotten married. Could have spent a summer in the Keys or London.
I am so sad Shaun that you're not here anymore. So if somehow someone in Shaun's shoes comes across this blog and is struggling; please know that it's not always bad. You will never know how many people you affect every day. I am just the sister of Shaun's best friend. And still, my heart is so heavy with this loss of an incredible kid.

My life with you is a roller coaster and I'm taking a break

Ben,

What can I say? You know I write better than I talk or argue, so I figured I'd give this a shot.
I always thought that you and I would find a way to make each other happy. A couple weeks ago when we were playing "perfect family" I was pretty much the happiest I had ever been. Having you as a helpful husband and excited dad keeps me going. I think it is what I have held on to for so long. It's what I would want if I wished for a perfect life. But even with as wonderful as everything was or seemed, I knew in my heart it wouldn't stay that way.
Ben, I know that I am not perfect. I know when you talk about my flaws you see a fat person. You see a sad person. But God I wish you could see how much more there was to me. I have always found that in you. I have always looked inside of the drunk man. Inside of the cheater. Inside of all of the walls that you put up, because I truly believed that the great person in you would emerge.
But after hearing what you said about me in the garage, I am not sure that the good guy I thought you were is really who you are. And that breaks my heart more than anything. The fact that you called me disgusting and fat and said that I don't contribute to the family. The fact that you said you don't feel like you should help me lose weight because it was just "expected". The fact that you sat there and called me a fat bitch in front of our son sickens me to the depth of my stomach. Ben he said we should call the cops on you. Dane said that. Your son.
I don't say these things to make you feel like you're a horrible person- but I say them so that you know how horrible they sound. I am so sick and tired of being the one who is getting beaten down emotionally when you decide to get fucked up or when you're in a bad mood. I am not going to allow Dane to see that. I am ashamed that you as his father would even consider saying those things in front of him. It's a choice you make Ben. A CHOICE.
I know when I cut my arms that it was a really fucking bad choice. Okay, I know that! It;s why I called 911 bc I was afraid of what I might do had I sat around without help any longer. I care about my family. I want to be a good wife and a good mom. And no, I'm not perfect. But I've tried. I've gone to therapy. I have tried talking with you. And if the one thing that makes me unsuitable for you is the fact that I don't have a perfect body- then it is very obvious that the two of us were not meant to be.
I don't want to give up. I want a break. I need to know that I am worth more than you make me feel. When you got arrested you said we were in it together. What about everything else Ben? You mentions the vows we took. What did they mean when you said them? I am afraid they meant different things to us. I don't know what it is that you want. I honestly don't know what will make you happy. I can honestly say that I have tried to help you with every part of my soul. I've tried to help you. I've stood by you.
And after what I heard last night, I wander why I have for so long. Am I wrong to think that there is a better person inside of you? I can't answer that question for you. I just hope that you are able to be a good dad to Dane and find happiness within yourself. I feel like you've avoided the obvious things that plague your life. I don't understand why you avoid them. I don't understand why you go get medicine and then just stop. I don't understand why you can't go out and have fun and be responsible without getting into trouble or lying. I just don't. I want to see you happy. So I hope you do what you have to do to get there. I'm just not going to be the one who gets hurt because you're taking out your frustrations on me. I am a good person Ben- whether you want to admit it or not. I am. I love people and I love life. And I just want to enjoy it again. I wish it came naturally for you to want to be a part of that.
That's all I can say for now.


Oh- and one last thing. I used to think this blog would be about the silly things in life. I guess those things haven't existed for a while. And that makes me sad. I'm going to do my best not to talk about you anymore. I have to be happy again. I'm sick of the melancholy.

How much? When does it become too much?

Good God. I wish I had a way to see into future- to see what it holds- if there is a way that it will all make sense one of these days? And my fear is that I won't. My fear is that I will just keep living this life hoping that things will be better. Hoping that I will find happiness within myself AND within my relationship with my husband. Two very huge accomplishments- and I honestly don't have a fucking clue if both or even one of them will work out.
I have myself: As of the fifth, I am 26. I am a sad, grown, insecure person. I have never liked myself like someone should. I have always doubted myself. Always wanted more and dreamed of huge accomplishments for myself, but never have done well enough to reach those goals. Sometimes just day to day living is a struggle for me. I was hospitalized because I was on teh edge on not knowing if I even wanted to survive. I didn't know if living was worth all of the heartache. And I am well aware that those thoughts aren't okay. I know they aren't healthy. Which is way I went to the hospital. I needed the time away from teh day to day bullshit to find myself. To allow myself to cry, to get away, to get some help. I thought it was the best choice.
And then there's Ben- Jesus, the things I have put up with. And yet I always feel like I need to defend him. Because he is a good person. But he has just fucked up so many times. What happened last night- you know, maybe it wasn't his fault. But I've gotten to the point where I'm not sure if I care. He is 33 years old. Still getting in trouble. Still making my life so much harder than it has to be. So why the fuck do I put up with it? He cannot understand why I would be mad. He keeps telling me that he's had to put up with me. He told me tonight how selfish I was to go to the hospital. That if I didn't go, we'd still have money. NIce. I try to take care of myself, and I get the third degree for it. But Ben can go and get himself ARRESTED for a fucking bar fight and I should stick beside him. Because you know, it wasn't his fault. Because he will find a way to figure things out. He'll find a way to pay for a lawyer. He'll find a way to put money into our account. And because of that, I should remember how he always makes things okay. And yet, I don't really care. I do love him. I do. But I am so sick of this childish bullshit. My child saw his father get arrested at our home yesterday. And I should just be okay with that. Ben even brought up the time I was being raped and whe saved me. He said that he went to jail for me and I should remember that. Nice. Nice Ben. Yeah, I remember that. I also remember all of the lies, all of the drugs, all of the drunk nights. So point out to me how I am depressed and not happy with my life. Point out to me the times you helped me. And in doing so, maybe you will make me feel bad enough to where I should feel bad for you.

I am fulfilled

To be me; in a nutshell it has been hard. A hard few years. Stones with sharp edges. Tears filled into flasks. And yet, this life that I have, this life that I have created has fulfilled me.
The friends that I have... they have been my rock. They have listened to me. Taken me by the hand and given me the hope that I have needed to rise above the heartache. Ease the pain. For that, I hold a debt. A debt to continually give back, give advice, give friendship. I have learned not to allow the deep melancholy that sometimes consumes me to be given back to the world. Instead, I must focus on the positive. Be an ambassador to CHOOSE to find the wonderful things in life and share them with the world.
My situation with my husband has brought me to an understanding. Life is not easy. Simply, marriage takes work. My therapist asked me if I was going to divorce my husband. And in that session, I was floored. I couldn't believe that the person who I shared my inner most personal battles with was suggesting that I give up. Brittney does not give up. I have fought through so many personal issues for far too long to even allow that thought to come into my mind. My response to my therapist was "absolutely not." She shook her head as those of the doctorate often do. And I left, knowing, truly knowing that I was the one with a a better understanding of life. There have been so many times when people, friends, family could have given up on me. And yet they stuck beside me. They pushed me so that I could rise above. And I did. I always did. It is the love that God gives me. The gorgeous power of forgiveness, and strength.
I left that day knowing that I have the power to make the changes in my life that were necessary. I opened up to my husband, to my child, to MYSELF.
The end result? True happiness. I am overwhelmed now. With the love for my life. The spark has been lit. My relationship is once again exciting. The communication has become a staple in our lives. I... for the first time in a long time, am fulfilled.

I needed you

I had that desire. That immense desire to sail through the rough tides of the ocean and continue to carry on. Carry on with this burden of love.
I was scared to show you who I really was. A fragile being. A strong and independent woman. And in that camoflauge, I forgot who I was. Who I am.
I dreamed of you last night. You were so beautiful and I was not. I jumped out of a window. Turned out it was only ten feet in the air. And I turned around, relieved, with only a minor aching in my feet. And I asked you, "Do you feel like we can go on?" You stared blankly at me and I turned and walked the other way.
I don't know for sure what it is that I want. Something more than the lies we live, for sure. I want to be loved, this I know. I want to be appreciated, respected. I thought I wanted to grow old with you. And I stopped for a moment today and looked into your beautiful green eyes and wondered if you felt the same. And in the place of the pumping blood of excitement that once resided inside of me was an emptiness, filled with much doubt.
This can't fail. There is too much invested. Too much I still want to say to you, but fear you don't want to hear.
It's a lonesome time. I am thankful for this outlet.

Jen told me to make him open the box. Maybe he'll read this instead

If I waited all this time to have a share then explore my piece and bite.
It's like having a grenade strapped to my stomach with our names on it.
I only thought of you and I, of ashes and us alone
On a sacred beach with only flashes of our last moan.
I am full of love, and of anger and intelligence and respect.
But I find myself in the daytime wondering where you're kept.
Skies do not open for my batting lashes or lips of ruby.
They open for my wrath and tears and for my sacred scurry.
Tell me I do not have to preach to you or make you listen!
Scream to me that I may not have another bed to christen!
My guidance is right through teh solemn angel's eyes
but you have no grace with that frown, you give me sour times.
I have lied for us, I have lied for me. I lie to me until it suits.
You want to dance, I can feel it in my grey scaled boots.
Please stay in life and feel the warmth of the earth.
Please stay in the light of love that I give, not in your hearse.
I can make you whole. I can make you sound.
I want to make you feel casually rebound.
I can't move without you. I can't feel what happy is.
I have no sound reason why but I know it isn't this.

Thank you God

Really. I am so grateful. I know that things sometimes feel like I can't get through them, but there is ALWAYS something or someone who ends up picking me up off of my knees and helps me to remember that I am here on Earth for a purpose.
I am going to do my best to try and remember that.
I am thankful for what I have, although at times it seems sparse. But all in all, I have a very rewarding life. I have a lot to offer and I pray that I never lose sight of that.

Put on a happy face

<----- This is what my family should be... except it's only what we look like on the outside.

I love my family. I have tried so hard to make it work. I've stood by Ben through thick and thin. Through the lies, the cheating, the drinking. Because I always knew there was this great thing in him that was just longing to be released. He is four, maybe five months sober and still, he is not happy. He sleeps all the time. He rarely helps me with things around the house. I know that things are hard for him right now, but I am to a point where I am losing my patience. How long does it take to make a family work? This is not a trick "light bulb" question. I want an answer. This weekend I told him I was at my breaking point. I told him I couldn't take it like this anymore. His response: Maybe I ought to get on an antidepressent.

Hey! There's a thought.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I just can't get it right. I feel like maybe this wonderful light at the end of the tunnel was just some sort of fabrication that I made up and held on to for so long, and I am starting to wonder if it doesn't exist?

I am so mad all the time. I wake up angry. I go to bed angry. I hold in all of this horribly unhealthy aggression and frustration because I don't feel like anyone will listen if I express how I feel. Who wants to hear another sob story from Brittney? Not my husband. He has his own issues. Not room enough for mine. Ben has no idea that Jen's family has been sending me messages, telling me the only reason he is with me is because she didn't want him. He has no fucking idea that I deal with that kind of shit. I spare him from the details because he doesn't like "drama."

I made a huge mistake last week. I went shopping. I don't know why I did it knowing that we didn't really have the money to blow. But I did and it felt heavenly. I think in a way I knew that it would come back and hit me in the face, but for the time being I didn't even care. I just wanted to do something that I WANTED TO DO without having to hear anyone bitch about it. I don't do anything for myself. NOTHING. The one thing I loved doing- roller derby, I can't even do. Ben gripes every single time that I go because it's HIS day to do something. He is completely infatuated with his foosball tournaments. I understand that it helps keep him sober, I understand it is the one thing that he can envelope himself in. He goes every Wednesday and every Saturday. No questions. It's just "his thing." But I'll be damned if I am going to be pushed to the side again. How many times have I stepped aside and let Ben do what he needs to do? How many times have I let myself be put on the back burner to appease Ben?

Like I said, I spent too much money this weekend. I honestly didn't know certain bills weren't paid yet. Ben left for a business trip this morning very upset because of it. I called him to apologize. It ended up in a huge argument. He said I make him feel like a bad husband. I make him feel like he doesn't do anything for me. He said he provides for us financially, wasn't that enough? He told me if I thought I could find something better than maybe I ought to try and do that.

I don't think Ben gets it. He doesn't understand that supporting me financially isn't enough. He doesn't understand that in his misery of not being able to drink that I am suffering so badly. I am this fragile thing in need of support too. My best friend is nonexistent. I am so alone and I feel like a failure. I thought I could fix this. I thought the family picture would be real. It would be who we are. But it's not.

What am I doing wrong???

I thought I was a good person. I thought I had all these things to offer, but I'm starting to think that I just don't. Having faith that things will change and things actually changing are not even close to the same thing.

I want to go sleep sometimes and just never wake up.

I look at you. Sometimes with the long for your approval. Other times with joy from fond memories. And others, with emptiness. I find myself in some desperate attempt to win over your attention and know that one hundred percent of the response that I receive is in fact honest and heart felt. I don't believe you. And with that thought, my heart drops into my toes and punches me in the gut.
Damn you for making my life so hard. Damn you for ever making me question. Damn you for not getting rid of her before now. Damn you for not seeing that I need more. Damn you for not realizing that this is not always about you and your problems. What about mine? I know I'm not perfect. I am so far from it. I am sure you have quite a few "Damn you's" to come at me too. And you're entitled to them. Just tell me. Talk to me. Be the other half of me that you used to be.
I tell you those three sacred words and with each time, I question more and more of what they mean. Moreso, of what they mean to us? Anything? Something? Something small? Something big perhaps, that we've hidden under the daily bullshit?
The nerve endings have tingling sensations, in spurts. I do feel it from time to time. But Lord Christ, why does it have to be so hard? Why can't the love just come naturally. Why does it take prodding. Why does it take hurting so much to get an apology? Why the fuck does it all have to be so difficult?
I see you try. I see you attempting to make your life better. And I know this is what you have to do. But I still sit here, alone, in a home full of bodies wondering when I can become a part of your life again. I miss you. I miss the dream of what my life was supposed to be. And I am utterly confused. The confusion is what makes me so sad. I will face the world with a smile and tell them how proud of you I am. Because God knows that I am proud. Of you. So much more than you will ever know. I want you to be happy. Sober. Fullfilled. Should I feel guilty for wanting the same?

I can breathe

Oh, what a glorious feeling. I feel good. It's been a little while since I've been on my A game, but I am getting close. Things (for those of you who know my situation) were a little bad there for a while. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know the road ahead is going to be long and hard. But I am going to do everything in my power to keep me and my family happy, healthy and in the best spirits possible. I've just got this one life, and I'm going to make the best of it.