I had that desire. That immense desire to sail through the rough tides of the ocean and continue to carry on. Carry on with this burden of love.
I was scared to show you who I really was. A fragile being. A strong and independent woman. And in that camoflauge, I forgot who I was. Who I am.
I dreamed of you last night. You were so beautiful and I was not. I jumped out of a window. Turned out it was only ten feet in the air. And I turned around, relieved, with only a minor aching in my feet. And I asked you, "Do you feel like we can go on?" You stared blankly at me and I turned and walked the other way.
I don't know for sure what it is that I want. Something more than the lies we live, for sure. I want to be loved, this I know. I want to be appreciated, respected. I thought I wanted to grow old with you. And I stopped for a moment today and looked into your beautiful green eyes and wondered if you felt the same. And in the place of the pumping blood of excitement that once resided inside of me was an emptiness, filled with much doubt.
This can't fail. There is too much invested. Too much I still want to say to you, but fear you don't want to hear.
It's a lonesome time. I am thankful for this outlet.
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4 comments:
Just speak. Speak and say what you feel. Do not let foolish walls build so high it would take a lifetime to tear down.
Say all the things you need to say. Say it while it matters. Say it while you have the breath to speak it.
Stand up for yourself and your heart and just speak it. That is all I can offer. I wish I had said so many things. I wish I had not become an angry mute. If I could have done anything I would have made sure I spoke my mind more.
All my love, darling.
I don't know what made me look at your blog today. I haven't in many months.
Love is a feeling, but more so, it is an action. Love and you will be loved. Touch him and he will touch you back. Be vulnerable. Remember how badly you wanted him, needed him, loved him? In the beginning? During your pregnancy? Passion gets buried with the mundane tasks of life. It gets displaced when we are rejected. But it doesn't go away.
I've always rooted for you. I've always thought you were the kind of girl that gets results, goes after what she wants. You can do this, if you ~want~ to.
Sorry for the brutal honesty. I'm in a mood today.
To both of you, thank you. With all my heart thank you. Rhino mom, I am not sure who you are. You can email me, brittney3583 at yahoo dot com. I would love to speak with you. I completely agree with you, 100%. I truly appreciate the "Brutal honesty."
Steph, I am heart broken with how your situation panned out. You are a beautiful person and a treasured friend of mine until the end. You are amazing and I respect your advice.
All my love, Brittney
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