Oh how fragile it all is

I sit here reminiscing of how things were at nineteen years old. It all seemed so intense. Some days were incredibly painful. Wine and pills and cocaine; those were what consumed many of my days. I layed in bed so many nights, tears streaming down my face. Grasping life- what it was all about was just too much to wrap my head around. And seven years later, all of those feelings are a simple memory. I know now that trying to figure out life is something that comes with time; comes with experience.
I wish so badly I could have had this talk with Shaun. What a beautiful kid he was. So handsome. Incredibly smart and talented. Aw, what a smile he had. My heart is absolutely broken for all the things that could have possibly been taught to him; for the things that he could have learned; for what he would have said about his life at nineteen when he was twenty seven years old. But he can't do that. On Saturday he took his own life and in such an awful way. I wish I would have told him the last time that I saw him that it gets better. That growing up comes with tough times, but they make for a better person in the end. I wish I would have told him how awesome he was. I wish I would have told him that taking those pills all the time would neer make things better. I wish I would have told him from my own experience that it always turns out bad when you turn to drugs. I wish I could have told him how important he was to my brother. How much his family loved him. How much we all loved him. How if I knew this would have happened, that I would be sitting at my laptop at 3:30 in the afternoon crying over his decision to take his own life. I would have told him to just walk away- that there are so many otehr options.
I wish so badly that people who are struggling could just have a good, sit down talk with someone who has been through the same types of things. I wish I had the opportunity to do so. To tell Shaun to just breathe. This is a wonderful world- if you just let it show you all the beautiful and amazing things that is has to offer.
He should have been able to excel. Maybe play that guitar in front of a crowd cheering for him and grinning with the talent he was sharing with them. I wish he could have gotten married. Could have spent a summer in the Keys or London.
I am so sad Shaun that you're not here anymore. So if somehow someone in Shaun's shoes comes across this blog and is struggling; please know that it's not always bad. You will never know how many people you affect every day. I am just the sister of Shaun's best friend. And still, my heart is so heavy with this loss of an incredible kid.