We're worried about you.

Huh. (Enter shake of the head here).
On a scale of 1-10 I'd say the turmoil in my life ranks at about a 3.5.
I'm tired. I wake up every morning at 5am. Take my daily Lexapro to get things started off right. I work my ass off all day. I go to the gym after work. I fight traffic. I go home. Possibly deal with a migraine. Clean my house. Drink a glass of wine. Maybe 2. On the weekends, maybe 3.
I AM TWENTY FIVE years old for goodness sakes. I think I have my shit together. I own a house, a have a nice car, a job I truly enjoy, a family that I love.
I am not miserable. God, I just wish I could take the ones who are "concerned" about me back about 5 years. Then they would know what Brittney being miserable looks like. I was a mess back then. I hated my life. But you know what? Things have changed.
Of course I deal with daily struggles. What person doesn't? Specifically I have dealt with Ben's drinking problem. Sure it has gotten me down. It is hard to be a family member of someone who struggles with alcoholism. But he tries. It's a struggle for him too. He's has done so well lately. He has been so considerate. He has tried so damn hard. So tell me you're concerned, fine! I can understand how friends are concerned, but do they not realize that it is easier to bitch about someone than it is to commend them.? It's human nature. We need to vent. We need to get out the things that stress us out. I never once meant for my life to seem like it's a bunch of hell- a life I don't want to be in. Because if that's what you think- than you are wrong. Very, very wrong.

So the day has finally come

Today was the day that I spoke with the person who has plagued so many of my days and caused so much havoc in my life and disrupted my emotional well being. Today I answered the phone and she was on the other end of the line. She spoke with a sweet voice and a gentle tone and when she said who she was I felt my face go white and did all I could to keep my composure.
She apologized. She took the time to explain to me so many questions that were never answered. And I listened. And I thanked her.
I wish I could shake it off. I wish so badly that I could just "let it be the past" like he tells me it was.
He's said it was all so long ago. Said it was all just a stupid mistake. But in fact, she did not just consume my life, but his as well. Whether it was just something he did for fun, or something he did because it was meaningful. It was something; the reason why I will constantly question and constantly fear that it will happen again.
I am so full of emotions right now I can't even get them out on paper. I can't begin to express the garble that is going through my brain right now. For him, she is his past. For me, her presence in the past makes it part of my present.

In a year, there is a season for each feeling; a feeling for each thought; a thought for each experience.
Winter, spring, summer or fall- all you've got to do is call. You know the rest.
Yet in each season, no matter which suits you best, there is a promising storm. Always unexpected and not usually welcome.
Stuck inside. Left to wonder when this visitor will be on his way.
You stand at your window- watching, waiting. Wanting for this downpour to pass.
And you think.
You think. Reminesce of memories past. Dwell on current hardships. Wish. Pray. Hope.
The storms give us time if nothing else. Time to mentally take a break from the day in which we struggle. Time to walk over to an old record player and watch the black vinyl dance on a needle. Time to look into a snow globe at the mesmorizing specks of glitter that worlds ago was to you- prancing fairies if held against the light. Time to open up jewlery boxes and place old chains around our necks. Time to look into the mirror and remember what it was like the first time these jewels adorned you.
And we stop. And for a time, all is forgotten.
The storm has moved on to offer a break to another.
Winter, spring, summer or fall. You know the rest.

Loving my son

Last night I felt something that I haven't really felt in a long time. (And no I am not referring to the God awful pain of my wisdom tooth.)
I looked at my son Dane, and I felt a really overwhelming feeling. It's hard to explain. We were having a conversation about taking a bath and for a split second, I felt like I was watching the two of us from an outside perspective. I told Dane I loved him. He told me he loved me "soooo much."
And I sat there watching; contemplating the love that the two of us actually felt for each other. My heart felt lighter and I smiled. It was completely overwhelming. It was beautiful.
I thought about that feeling for a long time. Long enough to actually be writing about it today. And I realized that so often, love is just a word. We say it. And we live it. But I think sometimes we forget to truly feel it. As functioning people, we simply live in our day to day lives. We do what we have to do to get by. And in that routine, the depth of emotion can go astray.
Dane and I get ready in the morning. I put out fires of two year old distress. I take him to school. I work. He plays. I pick him up. We eat dinner. More fires are put out. He takes a bath. We say our prayers and give kisses. He goes to bed.
Life becomes routine. It's just how it works. It makes life flow. But in that routine, sometimes you forget to take a step back and see what actually is going on.
For whatever reason, I was able to do that last night. And I am very grateful for that.

She just takes it one breath at a time.

A very dear friend of mine has gone through so much trauma lately. Her son has been sick basically since the day he was born, her father underwent a kidney transplant and just last week passed from cancer. And as if that was not enough, her home burned down yesterday. And yet she continues to just push through, without complaint, without emotional breakdown.
I am in awe of how she functions through this. It doesn't make sense in my head. Not even a little. Not at all.
I think of myself- of the things I struggle with. And it all seems so big at times. It seems too much to handle. But in the scope of things, my life is a piece of cake.
I look at Stephanie and I see her strength- her never ending desire to just "get through" and she makes it seem so easy. My heart aches at how her outside shell refuses to show weakness. I pray to God that this is it. No more trauma for her family.

Crazy emotions

Think of the one song that you listen to and it just makes you all teary or emotional or mad- this is how I feel right now.
Overwhelmed.
I guess that is a little bit of an understatement.
Life is just this giant thing and you think you have it all figured out, you think you have a plan, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
But you don't. You just don't. Because your life isn't at all in your hands. Certain things yes- Decisions you make, the person you choose to be. But the plan? Not a chance. That's God's deal.
So for now, with as hard as it is to just trust that, I will take a deep breath and trust God on this one. I have never been in such bad shape that I wasn't able to get up and brush it off.
Now is no exception.

Fall Days and good feelings

Lattes, jackets, clean air.
I wonder what it is about fall time that makes things feel so sentimental? People make time to spend with their families. Children hop along the streets holding onto their parent's hand with little red cheeks going for a test drive in their new fall attire. Business men and women appear to be a little less grumpy. People seem to smile more; and offer more too. I've noticed this a lot lately.
This morning on my regular morning stop at Starbucks a gentleman held the door open for me. I told him thank you. He told me it was his pleasure. I love starting my day this way.
I don't know what it is about fall. Maybe it's quite literally a breath of fresh air. The season offers you an opportunity to stop. Stop to take a deep breath. Stop to relax a little. Stop to slow down. Stop to take a moment to inhale all the vibrant fragrances that fall has to offer. Turkeys, coffees, gingerbread.
Maybe fall reminds people of being a child? Maybe it brings back memories of days of old with mom and pop and kitchens and presents and joy.
Whatever it may be, I most certainly am enjoying it.

Oh man.

The changes keep on coming. Some good, some not. Ben's been doing well. We're going to regular therapy so we don't lose each other and so that he can get things under control. He went to church with me on Sunday. And then Wednesday he got a call from a gentleman he met nearly a year ago asking him to interview for a job. We met this guy a the dog track of all places! lol But he and Ben hit it off really well and at that time the guy asked Ben for his resume. Ben doesn't want to stay in the Navy. He just has lost his passion. He's miserable there. So take it for what it is, but this interview made Ben feel like a million bucks. And that's really important to him. He was so proud of himself. So we'll see where that goes.
Yesterday was a rough day though. It was Dane's last day of his current daycare. He's been there since he was 8 months old. I had a little party for his little friends and we gave his teachers gifts. I was tearing up as we left though. He doesn't understand that he'll be changing schools. I've tried to explain to him but I don't think he grasps it. This morning he stayed home with Ben because he's got to get his 2 year shots. Poor guy. Anyway as I walked out the door he said, "No, mommy. Shoes on. I go to school!" And he cried and cried. It broke my heart.
And then on a final note- my Grandpa passed away yesterday. God he was hurting so bad. The cancer just hit him like a ton of bricks. The last time I saw him he was still running and working so hard. And then this. My Dad and sister Jessica went to see him last week when they got the news this would be his last week. They said it was pretty bad. My Dad who hasn't spoken with his Dad in so many long years went to say his goodbyes. It was a beautiful goodbye actually. The kind that a man who doesn't show emotion is okay with. My Dad and Grandpa talked very small talk and when my Dad complimented my Grandpa on his new house. My Grandpa said,
" Well a friends son helped me. He was real big and strong. I couldn't do it on my own."
And the last thing my Dad said to his Dad- was,
"Well Dad. That's how I remember you. Big and strong."
And then he squeezed his shoulder and that was it.
My Grandpa died November 1st- but not in the way the Dr's expected. Since he was a runner, he had a very strong heart. It was pounding so hard in these last weeks and all the Dr's thought he would most certainly die of a heart attack. But yesterday Grandpa asked my Grandma to put on some old 50's music- probably the music that made him happiest, reminded him of being young. And he fell asleep. And he never woke up.

Hard choices

Without going into details let me just say that some huge life changing decisions are being held right before me right now. In my soul- I feel broken. I literally feel like I have lost a piece of me by losing a piece of my husband. I almost feel like there is not enough of my heart left to be broken. So my entire body aches and longs for a man who used to be. He is not so far away that I can't see him. He's just more of a person whose holding on by a few strands and is deciding to let go. I know he knows it's wrong. I know it hurts him to let go, but he doesn't know how to hold back on. He is so lost. And I am devestated at what is happening to him. To see him hurt; to see him cry and binge is just too much. This morning I thought I might leave. And by tonight, God somehow intervened. I am forcing myself to feel peace- or to at least imagine it. Because I know I deserve that. I deserve to feel happy. I shouldn't feel guilty for things I have not done. And I am giving this one last shot. My heart- the actual organ in my body is hurting me tonight because I know this is it. One final attempt and then I will have no other choice but to call it quits. I pray with my whole heart that you fix my husband. He is begging to be fixed but is way too caught up in an addiction. Please Lord. WE need your help on this one because we can't go on like this anymore. I need to see the light shine in his eyes again- he's trapped in the body of an alcoholic.

I'm going to Miami

(Pretend Will Smith is singing about bilingual Miami right here.) :)

I am so excited. I am so excited to meet the ladies I have never met and see the ones I haven't seen in a while. This trip is going to be so fun!! And it is long overdue.
My mom is coming in town as well as my step sister Angela and I am so stoked to see them. I wish they could stay longer- but they're only coming in town to watch Dane for us. So tonight will be fun to have drinks with some of the ladies in my family! And then tomorrow am- watchout Southwest airlines- because a little momma with a pair of buttless chaps is coming your way!!!!!!!
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

It was so fun ladies. Thank you so much for such a beautiful and incredibly entertaining time!